Denial or Deliverance?
I had a little bit of time while waiting in line at the McDonald’s drive thru (don’t judge me! It was a bistro and I had a buffalo chicken sandwich and I didn’t even eat the bread (no, I won’t count the fries)!). The phone decided it wasn’t going to work so I thought it was a good time for me to do some contemplating. I turned off the music and thought about all that’s been going on lately. The new job, the baby, my relationship with the man. But mostly, I was in deep thought about my mami’s illness and I wanted to have a conversation with God. These words are a direct result of that conversation.
I have been feeling bad that lately, I have been planning for the worst with regards to my mami (though somehow that still needs to be done. Each and every one of us should have our affairs in order because it’s not just the people with cancer that die). I feel at peace. And I feel as if maybe we have more time than I think. That perhaps God will grant us that wish. Dad decided to have a priest marry them since they never did the church thing. This despite the fact that we were going to have a surprise party for mami on that day. But, he wanted the wedding and I’m sure that’s why mom is going along with it (for being almost 65, my mom is horribly practical and marriage is something that you must hear her speak of b/c I CANNOT do her logic justice). I can’t be mad though because hello? My sister and I were planning a surprise party that I am sure in part was for us.
I had all kinds of great and fabulous logic when I parked the truck but I don’t recall what that was. I went to see about her discharge during lunch but they were taking too long so I answered as many questions as possible, handled as many open issues as I could and went on my way back to the office. On the way to my car, I saw one of her friends heading in to the hospital. She gave me a big hug and a ton of calming energy. She smiled as she spoke and said not to worry that she was being prayed for (don’t I know it? My friends, friends friends, people I will probably never meet are praying for my mami and I am SO grateful). She said that God can work miracles so, why not now? She didn’t say anything profound and did not mention anything I didn’t already know deep down in my soul. There’s a calm right now. And perhaps God is giving me that calm despite the circumstances not turning out the way I’d like. But, I have learned (and re-learned over and over again) that we cannot give up the joy of now for the uncertainty of tomorrow. In doing so, we miss the gift that we are so desperately afraid of losing.
A Chinese proverb states that an inch of time cannot be bought by an inch of gold. So why try? It also cannot be bought with worry, fear, anger or sadness. All I have is NOW. All I will EVER have is now (thank you Eckhart Tolle). This one moment is all I can claim. I can’t claim 5 p.m. or the weekend. I can only claim that which I am present in. So, this is where I am at.
At the moment, I feel peace. Calm. A certain joy that I can neither explain nor decipher and which I won’t try to. I told The Man the other night that I don’t feel that there’s anything left unsaid between mami and I. She is not a person that says I love you though, I will bet all the tea in China that the people that hear those words every day haven’t been loved as well as I. Mami is all about action and intent. Words are nothing to her. Action dictates how she responds. I have sat with her on many occasions during chemo without saying a word. Interjecting this thing or that over an 8 hour period. Being perfectly comfortable in the silence. Because there is nothing left to be said. She knows how much I adore her. I know how devoted she is to me. Our love is palpable and needs no words to describe it. The things that I would want to say to her are not for today. I would want to have conversations with her as the frog princess grows, as I come across an issue and need advice, etc. I want her for the future. For always (doesn’t everyone feel like this about their mamis?). So there’s really no stress because we get back to the fact that all we have is today. I wish all of my relationships were like that. Where we’d instinctively know that we’d NEVER do anything to hurt one another. Where an apology is already on file if we ever should do so inadvertently. Where love is not doubted. Where love is not questioned. Where it is already a fact that we won’t desert one another. She has known that I’d be here for her since I was woven in her womb. And in the same way, I feel like I’ve known that I would care for her always. There’s a comfort in that. Not a burden, not an added stress. But a genetic predisposition to simply do and be.
I do not know if I am diluting myself into thinking that mom will not pass in a short period of time. I don’t know if God is sending me this peace so that I can function day to day while the inevitable gets nearer. I trust Him. I am in love with the song No Matter What and these words sum things up for me especially: “I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not, I trust You. No matter what.”
I am human, though, and will fall to stress at times. But I pray that this feeling continues til the end of my days. About this situation and everything else that arises in my life. I plan on returning to the book The Power of Now so that I can have these principles reinforced. And I will return to my bible. I’m reading Job. If it can happen to him, why not me? I read about Elijah earlier today. How he prayed for no rain and it did not rain for 3 and a half years. I will pray. For mom’s health. For God’s will to be done. He won’t give me more than I can bear. I am a witness to that statement. I continue to be. I am a witness to His power, His goodness and His grace. I have His blessings. And in all that I STILL forget that He’s got me sometimes. I will try my best not to do that.
I looked at my mom today and, thinking in the car, I realized that it wasn’t denial that I have been seeing in her eyes when we speak about her condition or about the fact that medically, we have no more options on medications, trials, surgeries or procedures. What I have been seeing is deliverance. And a level of faith I hope to get to some time real soon. It starts now.
Thank you for your continued prayers and your words. God has sent each and every one of you into my life for a specific reason and He continues to move you to minister to me. For that I am eternally grateful. To Him for sending you and to you for listening to Him.
I need to go get some work done. Because as we all know, life doesn’t stop.
If I could leave you with one last thought: decide what’s important to you, that which is most precious and divine, then devote sufficient time, energy and love to it so that there is room for nothing else. Not regret, not pain, not what if’s. Because you won’t get a do over and if time is a most precious gift, we shouldn’t waste it on feelings that will take us away from enjoying it.