New Year’s Eve 2010 found me at home with The Man and the frog princess. Â I believe she was awakened by fireworks. I called mami who was at MD Anderson Cancer Institute. She was having a party over there and I couldn’t help but be a little miffed that no one told me. I figured she’d be asleep. Â I chatted with her a bit and then went to bed.
The next day two big things happened: my baby girl took her first steps and she said mama for the first time. The guilt over not being in the hospital was quenched a little because of that. Â I started my new job the first week of the year. Â
Happy Ecstatic and eager to embark in a new adventure.
Mami passed away less than a month later. Â I remember sitting in the drive thru as I had this big epiphanyÂ only days prior to her passing. Â And of course, I remember that last day like it was yesterday. Â The blogs I wrote giving the news to my readers and giving you an insight on who my mami was and how she shaped me. Â There’s no way around it. This year was definitely centered around the death of this larger-than-life figure not just in my life, but in the lives of so many.
I tried my best to adjust though to be honest, I don’t think I’ve accomplished that. Life went on and I had to keep rolling with the punches. Â No break. No time to stop. Â The man and I broke up in April. Â And, life had to go on.
So, when I was let go of my job and found myself needing to be hired again, I secretly took it as a sign from God that it was time to take a break, breathe and deal.
Though this year is filled with the unmistakeable gap my mother left behind, it’s been filled with many good things. My frog princess is growing and healthy. Â We did have a crazy time period with her, though. Â She was diagnosed with febrile seizures in June after her first scary episode. Â Since then, we have had to make some tough decisions and though I periodically deal with the PTSD that seeing your child in a seizure brings, I still think it’s all good.
This New Year’s Eve finds me back in my mother’s house after seeing my dad struggle without his partner of 42 years. Â I’m not a believer in coincidences. I was let go the week after I moved in. Â Sitting here, I pray that the new year will bring me writing opportunities. Â The ability to follow my passion because the one thing I’ve learned this year (again) is that the term success means something different than what most of us think. Â Though life has been a struggle lately, I can say without a doubt that being at home and watching and helping my daughter flourish is one of the greatest gifts I’ve been given. Â I revamped the blog (though I really couldn’t afford it) and now have a services page that gives you a glimpse at some of the awesomeness I can provide. Â Though pretty much anything writing-related, I can handle. Â I am keeping my fingers crossed that somehow, things will work out so that I am able to work from home doing the thing that I am passionate about.
Speaking of passionate, my Christmas project was a big highlight of the season. Â After the way that Olive Garden came through for me, I’m thinking that perhaps I can try and make this a year-long project and not just for the women and babies in the Dominican Republic. Â I love helping people. Â This year, however, has reminded me that, every once in a while, I need help myself.
Through a rollercoaster of emotions I am still so grateful for all I’ve been given. Â For the opportunity to have had such an amazing mother and such a beautiful relationship with her. I’m grateful that things were good with us. Â That she lived 1 Corinthians 13 to a tee. Â I’m blessed that she was there when my child was born. Â That she cared for her throughout the first year of her life. Â I’m deeply thankful to the man who shifted what I thought would be a middle name to a first and thereby leaving me a child with my mother’s name. Â This year I have met some wonderful people through this thing that I do. Â This ranting, this joking, this pouring out of my feelings. Â Thank you for bringing me through some hard days.
I bid farewell to 2011 with a tad bit of sadness. Â Because in the overwhelming sorrow of this year I also found unspeakable joy. Â How has your year been?