Access Denied

I struggle with limiting access to myself. Anyone that meets me (and actually likes me) will tell you that I am open with my words, heart and deed. I try to do for others because I feel that others have done and will do for me, in my path. I pay it forward.

I listen to people and share as much of myself as I can. My spirit was born to serve and my soul is given to speaking truths that not everyone can tune in to without guidance.

I find myself sitting quietly in a hotel room, getting ready to head back home after attending a beautiful drumming and being guided toward some truths of my own. So many of the words, spoken by different mouths and in different tongues, said the same thing.

While scrolling through Instagram late at night, after eating greasy food and dishing out tea with my girl Keka, I saw this:

Further confirmation. I’ve been pulling into myself for a while now. Understanding that, first and foremost, I need my own energy to care for myself because in the past, I’ve  foregone my needs (mind, body and spirit) to help others.

There’s nothing like the heartbreak of you speaking life into someone, nurturing their souls, putting balm on their wounds only to have them go right back as if you hadn’t expended all this physical and spiritual energy.

It hasn’t happened once or twice or even 3 times. I will own that I’ve allowed that by not understanding certain things. I’ve been on this path my entire life. I continued to give because I thought that was part of my purpose. I’ve had people squander so much of what I have lovingly put into their hands.

And let me say that it isn’t about getting a thanks or being praised. I believe this is part of my work. It’s about putting in time and energy and then seeing people in the same state of hurt and loss, continuing to perpetuate generational curses and starting some new ones of their own.

In this quiet moment, I recall the origins of myself. Those that Mami would caution me about telling others. The ones that are tucked away in the folds of my soul, just waiting. 

Waiting on this moment when I so clearly see, understand and am finally able to act on the thought that no, not everyone deserves my energy. That there are people that continue to feed off of it for their own purposes.

And the truth is…this gift? It’s mine to hold and wield. It’s time for me to do just that. 

Today, I am seeing people for who they are. Those that open their hearts like I do, those that genuinely care, I thank you.

I also see those that smile in my face while caressing the knife in their hands. Those standing on the sidelines waiting for me to fail. And guess what? You’ve already been presented to me by name and intent with the truth and the resolution for how to handle you.

Yes, the circle gets smaller while the glow up gets bigger. I’m okay with that. 

For now, access is generally denied.