One day shouldn’t mean so much no matter how much society wants it to. It shouldn’t. At least not for me.
My first mother’s day was disastrous and I secretly feel set the tone for the rest of my life. I was preoccupied with my mother’s illness having been diagnosed and operated on just weeks prior. My relationship was falling apart and I had no one that I could share some of my fears with. When I did voice them, they were brushed away and I was left on my own on a day that I had thought would be a celebration of this new life that brought me so much joy.
That day was pretty unbelievable. I was full of sorrow and though I tried to enjoy what would be my last mother’s day with my Mami, it was hard to see past the outcome of all the situations to truly enjoy it. No one was talking about the cancer ravaging my mother’s body. About the radiation. About what was to come.
Dealing with the realization that there were about to be 2 major losses in my life was not easy. This week as I’ve dealt with having to meet my father’s new wife, my own grief that resurfaces during holidays and the bubbling up of some deep realizations as to my relationships both big and small, the emotions of that day have inevitably peeked around the corner of the past.
I have tried to be semi-normal this week (normal has never really been my thing). I have attempted to go about business as usual while on an emotional rollercoaster that rivals any that could be found in Six Flags.
But the truth is that I am heartbroken. I am sad and more importantly, I’m not necessarily in the mood to be what is expected of me. I am tired of attempting to behave as the societal norm would like because ultimately that does me no good.
The Sili in the mirror is raw and has just had a tablespoon of salt sprinkled in for good measure. Though I have schoolwork to handle and follow ups to perform, I want nothing more that to crawl under the covers, get hugs and kisses from my girl and let the day run itself out.
I am sure I will return to normal in a couple of days but for now, I am in my shell and only true love and true loyalty are being allowed in. Tomorrow I will wake up and find the blessings and the beauty of the day because, though I am in this state, I never fail to acknowledge all of the good that is in my life and all of the good that is sure to come.
But for right now, I am the first to admit that I am broken and currently searching for some human-sized glue stick…
I’m only a phone call away …
Karina Fernández (@consaboraKaFe) recently posted..Honor a quien honor se merece en el Dia de las Madres
Big Hugs to you mama
What a heartfelt post!
Eileen Carter-Campos recently posted..Which Form of Reading Do You Practice at Home?
Just know you are not alone. :0/
I have not lost my mom, but I understand how it feels to be broken on Mother’s Day….and the world just won’t have it. I am trying to remember all my blessings like my two boys, even though they won’t nap and half heatedly hate me because I am the unfun parent. I left their dad because he was psychologically abusive. Now he finally has a good relationship with our kids at least…..
But seeing all these dumb commercials of loving husband/fathers telling their wives how great full they are for them, or seeing guys flocking out if stores with bouquets…. It has me heartbroken all over again. It re-opens the wounds. I can remember my first Mother’s Day full of hope. Now I am a single parent dealing with special needs stress alone, working, and going to school full time. And all I can think about for Mother’s Day is how devastated I am that my boys aren’t being raised in a happy 2parent family.
I’m so sorry for your loss of your mom, when I read a post of yours that mentions it, every time I just think how hard it must be. I will be thinking of you tomorrow and will say a prayer for you!
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Sending you love and good energy amiga, and a big hug. It’s ok to feel like that sometimes, know that you are not alone.
Just a stranger reaching out to say this was lovely, what you wrote, and that sooooo many of us are nodding our heads. (My own lament: http://www.theclassicalgirl.com/honoring-the-motherless-daughter-today/)
Thank you SO much for stopping by and for sharing your own story with me. I often use that term, motherless daughter. I am so appreciative of your words. Both the ones you wrote here and the ones where you share your thoughts and feelings about your own loss. It is important for us to share these. It is the only way we will find each other and nurture our loss.