Grief


Joyful Grief
February 02, 2016

Joyful Grief

Grief has taught me to allow myself time and space. But I don’t always listen. When I don’t, it is made on my behalf and memories flood my soul and I see images through the filter of time and love…5 years ago, I was waiting on my sister to come home as I counted my mother’s breaths. I was still nursing and I recall Elena trying to play her tapping game with Mami. Except she didn’t yell in the mock pain that made Elena giggle. I remember Robiaun on the phone asking......

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Not So Merry & Bright

Tiny pumpkin breads. That was my trigger this week. I baked a batch of them and it took me down memory lane. I recall my girlfriend bringing a little loaf of pumpkin bread to my mom and I on that last “good” stay at the hospital. She loved it, as did I. It was December. The stay where they told us the tumor had started growing again and there was nothing that could be done. The time when I had to hold my Mami’s hand and tell her there was nothing that......

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He Owned Life: Stuart Scott Wins!

I have been watching sports for a long time. I can say that my favorite thing to watch was SportsCenter. Well, I’m lying. My favorite thing to watch was Stuart Scott. You guys ever fall in love with a person that might not know your name? So many of us felt this way about Stuart. This dude that strolled up and owned his presence, refused to fit the mold set before him and by doing so shattered the mold for all those that will come afterward. Robin Roberts just eulogized him in......

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What Dreams May Come: On Depression & Suicide

I tried my best to stay off social media this weekend. And off my email. The result? Lots of emails to go through and lots of news missed. Primarily the death of Mike Brown in Ferguson, MO. I have little words for this right now and will speak more of it later because in truth, all that’s going to come out right now is something akin to why in the fuck can’t we stop our babies from being killed?! But, Robin Williams caught my attention tonight. As I watched Jeopardy, I saw......

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What I've Learned About Joy and Now

I’m not all together this week, guys. Please charge it to my heart this time. I am always shocked at how I feel around this time of the year. I want to find the guy who said time heals all wounds and beat his ass. In re-reading some posts from before Mami’s passing, I found this quote that struck me. I’m praying you are having a great week!...

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Broken On Mother's Day

One day shouldn’t mean so much no matter how much society wants it to. It shouldn’t. At least not for me. My first mother’s day was disastrous and I secretly feel set the tone for the rest of my life. I was preoccupied with my mother’s illness having been diagnosed and operated on just weeks prior. My relationship was falling apart and I had no one that I could share some of my fears with. When I did voice them, they were brushed away and I was left on my own on......

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A Mother's Wishlist
May 09, 2013

A Mother’s Wishlist

I am filled with shame and disappointment right now. At myself. At the person I have become. When did it happen, exactly? Was it while I was potty training? Or maybe it was all the nursing I did? Is this payback for that? I really don’t know how to explain it. But this Mother’s Day, I have something on my wishlist that I never thought I’d ask for… That’s a steam mop, y’all! A. STEAM. MOP. Who asks for that?! A MAMI, THAT’S WHO?! It wasn’t until I uttered the words (with......

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Cholangiocarcinoma
February 21, 2013

Cholangiocarcinoma

Doesn’t that sound like something funny or benign? “Hey, stop making me laugh with that cholangiocarcinoma of yours!”. Mami died of it. It killed her in 10 months. No questions asked. One powerful round of 2 chemo drugs that reduced the tumor to half its size in the first half of the treatment and seemed like doubled in size within a few short weeks after the treatment ended. Cholangiocarcinoma. Bile duct cancer. About 2,500 cases discovered every year in the US with only 5 to 10% of them being intrahepatic, or inside......

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The Eulogy I Never Gave
February 01, 2013

The Eulogy I Never Gave

One of my mom’s friends came up to me after the funeral and told me she’d been disappointed to not have heard me speak. I eulogized my grandmother and she thought I’d do the same for Mami. But I didn’t. I let her childhood friend go on and on and on about her. Because it made me happy to have gotten a little bit more of the story we did not know. The part of Mami that she didn’t speak much about. But since then, I keep thinking that perhaps I should......

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