Sunday , 21 December 2014

Grief

What Dreams May Come: On Depression & Suicide

My.Mamihood.What-Dreams-May-Come

I tried my best to stay off social media this weekend. And off my email. The result? Lots of emails to go through and lots of news missed. Primarily the death of Mike Brown in Ferguson, MO. I have little words for this right now and will speak more of it later because in truth, all that’s going to come ... Read More »

What I’ve Learned About Joy and Now

SIli_Uncertainty_Quote

I’m not all together this week, guys. Please charge it to my heart this time. I am always shocked at how I feel around this time of the year. I want to find the guy who said time heals all wounds and beat his ass. In re-reading some posts from before Mami’s passing, I found this quote that struck me. ... Read More »

Broken On Mother’s Day

Broken Heart

One day shouldn’t mean so much no matter how much society wants it to. It shouldn’t. At least not for me. My first mother’s day was disastrous and I secretly feel set the tone for the rest of my life. I was preoccupied with my mother’s illness having been diagnosed and operated on just weeks prior. My relationship was falling ... Read More »

A Mother’s Wishlist

MothersDay_Wishlist

I am filled with shame and disappointment right now. At myself. At the person I have become. When did it happen, exactly? Was it while I was potty training? Or maybe it was all the nursing I did? Is this payback for that? I really don’t know how to explain it. But this Mother’s Day, I have something on my ... Read More »

Cholangiocarcinoma

Cholangio

Doesn’t that sound like something funny or benign? “Hey, stop making me laugh with that cholangiocarcinoma of yours!”. Mami died of it. It killed her in 10 months. No questions asked. One powerful round of 2 chemo drugs that reduced the tumor to half its size in the first half of the treatment and seemed like doubled in size within ... Read More »

The Eulogy I Never Gave

Mami - Hammock

One of my mom’s friends came up to me after the funeral and told me she’d been disappointed to not have heard me speak. I eulogized my grandmother and she thought I’d do the same for Mami. But I didn’t. I let her childhood friend go on and on and on about her. Because it made me happy to have ... Read More »

Newtown: Praying Through the Tears

Child Praying

“Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.” I always found that prayer a little morbid especially for children. So, when the time came for me to teach the frog princess a prayer, I used the modified version ... Read More »

The Dance

I have been navigating a minefield carefully orchestrated dance. It’s called grief during the holidays. If I had to put music to it then it would have to be Valse Triste by Sibelius. In this dance, I have 2 dresses. One is colorful and bright. The other is a muted gray like the puffy clouds on a rainy day. I ... Read More »

The Gift of 28 Days: World Prematurity Day

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03/17/08 My dearest babies: I got to see you this past weekend. You are both tiny but you are also whole. For this I am thankful and I am thankful for more. Your little fingers complete with nails. Long and graceful, comparison fails. Your skin’s complexion mirrors my own. I wonder what you’ll look like when you are both grown. ... Read More »