One day shouldn’t mean so much no matter how much society wants it to. It shouldn’t. At least not for me. My first mother’s day was disastrous and I secretly feel set the tone for the rest of my life. I was preoccupied with my mother’s illness having been diagnosed and operated on just weeks
A Mother’s Wishlist
I am filled with shame and disappointment right now. At myself. At the person I have become. When did it happen, exactly? Was it while I was potty training? Or maybe it was all the nursing I did? Is this payback for that? I really don’t know how to explain it. But this Mother’s Day,
Cholangiocarcinoma
Doesn’t that sound like something funny or benign? “Hey, stop making me laugh with that cholangiocarcinoma of yours!”. Mami died of it. It killed her in 10 months. No questions asked. One powerful round of 2 chemo drugs that reduced the tumor to half its size in the first half of the treatment and seemed
The Eulogy I Never Gave
One of my mom’s friends came up to me after the funeral and told me she’d been disappointed to not have heard me speak. I eulogized my grandmother and she thought I’d do the same for Mami. But I didn’t. I let her childhood friend go on and on and on about her. Because it
Newtown: Praying Through the Tears
“Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.” I always found that prayer a little morbid especially for children. So, when the time came for me to teach the frog princess a prayer,
The Dance
I have been navigating a minefield carefully orchestrated dance. It’s called grief during the holidays. If I had to put music to it then it would have to be Valse Triste by Sibelius. In this dance, I have 2 dresses. One is colorful and bright. The other is a muted gray like the puffy clouds
The Gift of 28 Days: World Prematurity Day
03/17/08 My dearest babies: I got to see you this past weekend. You are both tiny but you are also whole. For this I am thankful and I am thankful for more. Your little fingers complete with nails. Long and graceful, comparison fails. Your skin’s complexion mirrors my own. I wonder what you’ll look like
Good Grief: Riding the Wave of Sorrow
This past week has been rough. It seems that there’s never a dull moment in my life. But I was distinctly reminded this week of the concept that grief comes in waves. I was getting ready for bedtime on Monday when suddenly, out of nowhere I felt the lack of my mother’s presence in the
Mami Moments: On Sorrow and Smiles
I’m taking a study break that I can’t afford. Truth of the matter is, I’d rather go curl up in bed and pull the covers over my head. The sinking/sick feeling started on Tuesday. I thought I was coming down with something until I remembered the counselor’s words in my head: don’t commit to anything the
