I have been an entire mess these last couple of days.
I’ve had a head cold, a period and an existential crisis all in the same week. I’m extremely surprised my head is still attached to my body.
There is so much in flux at the moment. So. Fucking. Much.
Perhaps it’s the head full of snot. Or the fact that I wrote this entire post perfectly, succinctly and worthy of submission to BlogHer Voices only to lose it as I hurried out of the shower in an attempt to rush to the laptop.
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Maybe it’s because I finally finished Eat, Pray, Love and I have decided that I’ve really missed meditating these last few months. But, I’m feeling the need to sit in my feelings. For more than 5 minutes. Without an official announcement on Facebook (but officially, on this blog because…I can).
I quite literally spent the entire day in bed on Saturday. Between headaches, back aches, cramps and a vicious need to attempt to figure out the next move in my life, I’m pretty sure I short circuited my central nervous system and possibly someone else’s as well. Because I am nothing if not a sharer.
“How do you know this, Sili?” you might ask.
Oh that’s simple. I had dreams. Delirious dreams. Of lovers. Of cruises. Dreams with my mother resting comfortably in retirement. Dreams, y’all. This was my clue. I didn’t take medication for my congestion and I was completely out of wine (I know, can you imagine?). So I can’t even blame some weird situation happening in my brain.
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Technically, I shouldn’t even be typing because I’m all out of Kleenex and have graduated to a fancy roll of toilet paper by my bedside so these thoughts are not even my own. They’ve been conjured up by my snot and my sinuses in an attempt to relieve pressure in my brain and I’m pretty sure they’re not making any damn sense.
But, it’s my blog and I can do that shit if I want to. Make zero damn sense.
Life can be difficult. Present us with issues that we didn’t see coming, decisions that must absolutely be made, hand us online dating messages from a guy that your girlfriend nicknames Pitbull, provide ghosts that must be laid to rest. It’s life. She ain’t lacking a sense of humor. Or time to come up with shit to bring up to you on the ONE weekend that you’d decided you were going to take over the world (or at least a remote beach on an island).
I want to give you quotes about caterpillars and butterflies but Mama Maya already handled that. I’m here to give you neurotic interpretations. Or insight. I mean who knows, right?
Where was I? Ah yes! Life.
I have found that moments like these are to be observed and recorded. Because they are the thing that happens while in the chrysalis. Right before you break it wide open. It’s that restless feeling. If I could read the mind of a caterpillar in the moments before it opens up to a new world it would probably be thinking this:
“Holy shit! I can’t take it for one more second!”
“Why did this happen to me?!?”
“Can someone please help me get out of this trap!”
Okay, I lie. The caterpillar is probably saying none of these things because it’s a caterpillar and not a human. We’d be saying that, though. Amirite?
We like to wallow. And by “we” I mean me. No. I actually do mean “we”. We wallow in our self pity probably longer than we ever should. I tend to put a timer on mine.
I learned a long time ago that this too, shall pass.
But it’s not easy when you’re in it. When you feel as if your world is falling apart. I have never thought I suffered from anxiety except during the moments when the panic sets in as the ground moves beneath me.
I’ve always envied those folks that call themselves adults but get to phone in or make down payments on their responsibilities. Um…what line were you in when you got that business? Because I’d like some of that. Thanks.
The thing is, that’s never been me. So instead, I sit and have full blown freak outs when my plate is over the top with things I cannot possibly consume in a timely manner. Or, I get sick. Which is my body’s reminder that I am not in control and that sitting the hell down is the best option.
I was in bed straight through mid-Sunday. And even then, it was my deep need to fold clothes that led me to rise. Yeah. You read that right. Again, I’m not in my right mind so you cannot hold it against me!
And I’m suddenly brought back to that sweet dream. The one in which my lover asks me what “she” is going to do now. and I tell him that Mom is retiring and wants to volunteer. How I blink and next thing you know I look to the bed where she is napping and he is next to her looking at her tenderly. And I fall in love with the two of them even though they are both in shadow. Both far from me.
Because they are both here. Everything is here. Everything I need. Everything that I will want has already been laid before me. The path has been set. There are no accidents, right?
Life is short. One minute you are retiring and the next minute you are taking your last breath. One minute you feel suffocated by the settling that you’ve done in your life and the next you’re having oxygen breathed into your lungs by the one that loves you beyond measure.
So why do we worry? Why do we fret? What do you say we let go of these reigns and see what this pony can do?