We went shopping yesterday. Nothing fancy. Grabbing a few things from Target. As I looped around my familiar shopping perimeter, I wasn’t finding what I needed and suddenly the thought I’d had a few weeks back that I pushed to the back of my head bubbled back up and I heard myself telling the (ex)man: we need to go to the girls department.
As soon as I said the words, a lump formed in my throat. I tried hard to not let my eyes tear up. All I wanted to do was sit on the floor and clutch the newborn onesie with a skirt sewn in. The one I showed the frog princess. Upon seeing it she said “Mami, you miss me being that size, don’t you?”. Yes. And no. I love my big girl. But some days I feel that I didn’t sniff her enough as a newborn, didn’t take in the little miracle I held in my arms (even though I’m pretty sure I did).
Once I stepped into the girls section, it felt wrong. I am not here. I am NOT looking for clothes for my baby in this place! There are nights she still wants Â me to rock her to sleep! There are moments when all she wants is for me to hold her. She still requests to be picked up so that she can sleep on my shoulder. What. In. The. World. Is. Going. On?
I commanded her to stop growing and she looked confused. She finally turned to her dad for confirmation and he assured her it was okay to keep growing. Deep inside, I wanted to yell that it wasn’t. That my baby girl was not allowed to wear these clothes because she can’t possibly be this grown up.
But I can’t stop time. I can’t deny that she is growing big and strong. That every day she impresses me with something new that she knows or something funny that she learns. Time stops for no Mami.
Do you mourn growth? Should you? I feel like these moments are so precious and I feel so blessed to be here witnessing it. Day in and day out. I’m grateful for every single moment. Except the one that makes me realize my child is no longer a baby.