I’m taking a study break that I can’t afford. Â Truth of the matter is, I’d rather go curl up in bed and pull the covers over my head.
The sinking/sick feeling started on Tuesday. I thought I was coming down with something until I remembered the counselor’s words in my head: don’t commit to anything the week before and the week after any major holidays, because you won’t know how you’ll be feeling and that low wave will hit you again.
She was right. Â Except this year, I’m in school. Â And I have my final project’s outline due by Sunday night and unfortunately, I can’t call in sorrowful. Also, I am trying my best to finish all of my work by tomorrow so that I don’t have to work this weekend.
Mother’s Day is one of those days where I’m supposed to pretend like it’s the bestest thing ever. Â I have a confession. Â This will be my 3rd one and the 2 previous left such disappointment in my heart that I don’t really care to celebrate it. Ever.
I allowed myself to breakdown in the shower today. Â Thinking about the last good day I had with mami. Â Sitting outside that last Saturday, enjoying the beautiful day. I remember my first and last mother’s day with her. I knew it would be my last, somewhere in the depths of my soul. The call about the cancer spreading came shortly thereafter.
I want to pick out cards to send to family and friends but, can’t really make myself go down those isles. Â It’s just another day to me. Â But heavier because there’s an expectation of sorts from society.
In my heart, every day is mother’s day. I never needed one day to show mami how much I loved her. The best was sneaking out under the pretense of shopping and having lunch somewhere then pretending we didn’t eat when we got home so dad wouldn’t get mad since he’d been home cooking. Â It was walking around the mall holding hands and giggling. Â Not this one day of societal obligations.
I have no plans for Sunday. And honestly, after the last two years, I don’t really want any. I don’t want to get my hopes up that there will be some sort of celebration that will make me, momentarily, forget how alone I feel without my mom. That there’s some magic potion to erase the hurt that’s so tied to this day. Â I don’t want to remember the last two years where those days left me emotionally exhausted partly because of the pretending for everyone else’s sake.
I want to do one craft with the frog princess so that I can have a keepsake of her at this age. I think I have a kit for handprints. I want something I can tuck away though it doesn’t necessarily have to be on Sunday. Something of hers during this time before she thinks I’m overbearing and that I’m ruining her life. Â I may release balloons this year again but, I’ll gauge how I’m feeling on Sunday.
I should say that I don’t feel any less joyful about life, any less blessed or any less faithful. Â This might not make sense to you and part of me hopes that it does not because then it means that you have not yet had to experience a loss in your life. I still feel like the luckiest mami in the world with the bestest frog princess to ever walk the earth. And I am doubly blessed to have had a mother who gave me enough love to last me until the end of my time on this earth and not hers. I still smile when I think of her jokes or when my girl does something just like mami used to.
This is just one of those moments that I have to ride out knowing I’ll come out just fine on the other end.
Ok, back to work I go. Â After all, time stops for no mami.
Mami around 30 & Me @ 15 months
hello friend. I wanted to stop by and tell you that you are an awesome mom! (er, I mean mami…;)) And that’s partly because you are you, and partly because all you are, you learned from your own mami. I can share with you that I know EXACTLY what you are feeling. And I can tell you that while it does get better with time, it seems most holidays are sort of a double edged sword. And that sword is extra sharp on mother’s day. The first few years will be really hard. I think the word for it is…melancholy, “sober thoughtfullness” is how it feels to me. Embrace all that is good in your own child, see the joy on her face, and smile up at your mami knowing she is smiling down on the both of you!
I will be thinking of you on Sunday. Love, prayers, and blessings to you both,
M
Thank you so much, Mary. It think you hit the nail on the head: melancholy. I actually thought about using that word in the title because it so describes the feelings I’m going through.
oxoxox
Here, in the East we did not have the concept of “mother’s day” till we borrowed it from the West. Every day spent with your mom is a mother’s day…especially when you know that they are fighting a battle with the illness. I lost my mom 4 years ago…and miss her so.
Oh, Janaki! I am so sorry to hear that. I’m with you in thoughts and prayer, my friend!
oxoxox
MD is tough for me too. It will be 20 yrs since I lost her and for me it doesn’t get easier especially now that I have my own daughter. I generally don’t celebrate it but since it took forever to have my baby MD is even more special for me now. You are so lucky to have pictures. I do hope you can have a great Mother’s Day and create special memories for your daughter.
Hugs
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Thanks, Irene! Last year we did balloons and put messages in it. I may do that with her again as I want her to know that abuela is there (she speaks of her often, still even though she was only 15 months when she passed). It’s just been a roller coaster ride of emotions this week. And I’d very much like to get off.
Motherhood is definitely special. I pray you have a fulfilling and rewarding day!
oxoxox
You are so good 🙂
I used to call her mami too. She died from cancer 10 years ago. exactly one month after mother’s day.
I wrote two post about her last two days. She gave me an important message of love before leaving, and she left singing Viva la musica!
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I will be sure to read those, Nikki. I am so sorry for your loss.
oxoxox
I just started reading your blog tonight. I just read this entry about Mother’s Day. This entry is probably one of the most emotional things I have ever read. I lost my mother to cancer three years ago. I Have two beautiful daughters, three years old and a two months old. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of and miss my mother, and wish she was here with us. She never got to meet her two amazing granddaughters. I was nine months pregnant with her first grandchild when she passed away. My heart aches for her. I can really relate to what you’re going through. Mother’s Day from me, is one of the hardest days of the year. I don’t know if I’ll ever truly be able to celebrate it. Prayer is the only thing that gets me through. My faith in God, and knowing that my first daughter Grace was my miracle and a gift from God to help me through her passing. God bless you, and keep writing such beautiful words.
Stephanie, I just want to come across the screen and hug you. You know exactly what I am feeling and I agree that it will never be the same. I realized this year that it hit me harder and I went downhill before and after mother’s day. I am just now recovering, to be honest.
If you haven’t had a chance, check out the post called Denial or Deliverance (it’s listed on the sidebar). It helped me through the loss. I think there are additional posts under the grief category as well (I need to clean these categories up). I know that I feel my mami around me on a regular basis and when I look at the frog princess I know without a doubt that having her allowed me to move forward with life. I know your mom is there with you and with your girls.
Sending you tons of hugs and prayers!