I write this huddled in a 2×2 ft space wondering how things got this way (you should know that I am skinny and have absolutely no concept of square footage). Was it something I did? How could this have happened?
My toddler, who apparently I am now to call a pre-schooler, has usurped my bed. Â By the way, who comes up with this crap? I’d just gotten used to her being a “toddler”! Now I have to hyperventilate at the thought of school in her new title? Really people?!? Â But, I digress.
I fell asleep with her for the millionth time today. Â It’s now a normal occurrence and I am used to just waking up at midnight and being up for a few hours. If you are on the west coast, it’s a sacrifice I make for you because I love you and want to interact on Twitter and be available to reply to the million comments you’re not leaving on my posts. Â That’s my story and dammit, I’m sticking to it. Â Unfortunately, what is also a normal occurrence is the fact that the minute I slip out of bed, say to go pee or grab a donut (or both), my already small space of heavenly mattress real estate is immediately occupied.
How does she know? Â And she’s good. Â The frog princess reminds me of those people that peruse obituaries in New York in order to get a great apartment (or back in the day, a 212 phone number). Â I have a queen sized bed. Â She already owns most of the real estate there (along with Clifford and the blankie). Â And now, she aims to claim the entire bed. Â It’s bad enough that she shows disrespect for the 40-hours of labor I put in to bring her into this world by haphazardly throwing her limbs on me as if I wasn’t even there. Â But now, here I am. Â Trapped in this small square footage of Serta softness not only uncomfortable, but acting like I don’t have a right to move for fear of waking her up!
And then, it’s like she mocks me with her good sleep. She is obviously in sleep heaven while I am awake, wondering how I can pull the covers from under her. Â She is so deliciously asleep that she doesn’t care about covers! Doesn’t need them. Â The frog princess has inherited her dad’s internal body temperature. Â It may or may not have been one of the reasons I fell in love with him way back when. Â His ability to keep me warm ala Jake from Twilight (though he never transformed into a werewolf, thank God! Who needs all that hair in the bed. I’m just sayin’). Â Now, his child mocks me as if to say: look mami! Not only am I getting some awesome sleep but, I don’t need covers!
Here I am. Â Wondering if Apple will sell me new keypads because I know that the new MacBook Pro’s have quieter ones. Â Trying to type as fast as I can so I don’t wake her up all the while wondering: how did my child turn into a thief in the night? Â This has got to stop! I will be having a conversation with her in the morning to discuss our arrangement.
So, is anyone else out there being evicted from their mattress or, is it just me?